I'm feeling inspired to blog today for what feels like the first time in decades, though in reality its probably only been about 18 months.
It's March 2013 or as I am increasingly coming to think of it, the worst month of my life. This is the final dissertation month and I am no where near where I should be. Following that I have a ball to attend, in which I must look pretty and elegant after the aforementioned stressful month. And then the fun doesn't stop there, I have a take-home exam, more coursework, and finally exams. The final exams. And somewhere in there I get to turn 22 and leave university.
This is the weirdest part of my life I have ever experienced. I'm at the end of all my plans - the 10 year plan, the 5 year plan. No one tells you what's after. There's what my parents expect of me; my parents expect of me to get some swish London job, and to be earning upwards of £20,000 a year. And there's what I want to do which changes every single day, from that fancy London job, to a teacher, to a postgrad student, to shop assistant (temporarily).
I've never had a problem making my own decisions, I've never let anyone else make those decisions for me. Mum and dad wanted me to do languages in school, I chose business, history and geography; they didn't think I should do law A-level, I did; they wanted me to go to the red-brick Kent uni, I came to Hallam. And in between that they told me taking a gap year was the worst decision ever and that I would never, ultimately make it to university. They were wrong, again. So why can't I make this decision?
I can't make this decision because it simply doesn't matter to me as much anymore. All my life a career is what I've had in mind. I was smarter than the other kids and I loved it, I wanted to exploit it, and now I have. But along the way I've learnt that having the career isn't what I want anymore. I want to earn money so I can do the things I love; I can buy books to read, I can go to the cinema, I can go on a cooking course, I can visit friends, I can go to a bar and I can finally go do indoor sky diving. And at the end of the day money is money, whether I earn it in a hideous shop assistant uniform, or in my beautiful suit with my £400 shoes. Yes one lifestyle affords more money than the other but does it afford more happiness? Do I want to do the commute to London every day of my life?
If I'm completely honest with myself the reason I wanted a career in law was because people think a lot of lawyers, its one of the best and highest paid professions you can get into. I would have become a doctor if I could do maths or science. For an English subject based girl, law was one of the best options. Yes I found law interesting at college etc etc but ultimately, I liked what came with the lawyer label. I liked the 'oh' you get when you tell people. That is what went on in the mind of the 17 year old me making her UCAS application.
The 21 year old me? Well I've grown up and lost a lot of the insecurity I had at 17; I no longer see the career I choose as being the thing that defines me. If I go and work in a shop, that doesn't make me any less intelligent, any less able. People may not assume it of me but I really don't care anymore. If someone wants to assume I'm stupid based on my job then that says more about them than about me.
At 21 I know who I am, at 17 I didn't. At 21 I don't know what I want to do, at 17 I did. Funny old life isn't it?
Let's deal with the other side of things, 'settling down'. For girls its assumed that if you don't want a career its because you want to settle down. I can assure you I have no such plans. Aside from being single, babies scare me. Someone asks me to hold a baby and I will feint a trip to the loo. I can categorically say the baby thing will not be happening for like 10 years, if ever. I'd like kids, but right now they terrify me, how the hell people my age have not just one but several kids baffles me.
As for the thing that traditionally comes before babies - no, not that! - the wedding. I'd be lying if I said I don't think about that kinda thing sometimes but in no way is it in a I want to get married tomorrow kinda way. It's because my cousin is getting married this year, my best friend recently got engaged and I love to watch Don't Tell the Bride and I have always always been a little gaga for weddings. When I was a kid I wanted to be a wedding planner.
It's funny, Josh (my ex) and I would often talk about getting married, and it would make me feel really special and I genuinely felt like it was something I really wanted but now, I could never imagine talking like that with a boyfriend. The older I've gotten, and the closer to what is arguably a marryable age, the less concerned I am about the serious side of relationships. I just want to have fun. I want someone who can make me laugh and that's simply it.
I've learnt that the serious side of life will often take care of itself, and I'm kind of hoping that will apply itself to my eventual career too. I'm hoping that if I find a job I love, be it well paid or not, then with time the serious side of things like promotion and therefore earning more money to ultimately buy a house, to pay for a wedding or pay for kids some day will take care of itself.
Now I just need to find a job I love. Sounds simple doesn't it?
